An advertising supplement aimed at senior citizens included an article titled “Six Documents to Prepare During Life.” Some are obvious: a will, a living will, durable power of attorney for healthcare and finances, and a HIPAA release. The sixth is “disposition of body.”
Given that last one, you would think the list would also include a related document—your obituary. Like the HIPAA release that controls afterlife access to your health information, an obituary you write controls your legacy. As it’s sung in Hamilton, “Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?”
Writing your obituary in advance of your demise is a favor to your survivors. They don’t have to scramble to assemble correct information on your life. I had to write the obituary for a friend a few years ago and had always thought she was a native of Centre County. But when I asked around, no one, not even her daughter, could confirm that. Good move, because at the service, a distant cousin explained why she had been born elsewhere but spent most of her life in Centre County.
And it’s a bit of self-protection should the person writing your obituary seek revenge. I have several examples of revenge obituaries. There’s the woman whose children revealed that their mother had an affair with their uncle, then abandoned the children to be raised by their grandparents. “She will not be missed by Gina and Jay,” reads the obituary, “and they understand that this world is a better place without her.”
Then there’s the father with a drinking problem, announced in the opening paragraph. “He often wished in his later years that he had not treated his body like a tavern.” Later on, the obituary reads: “He had a passion for old cars, scotch, his construction company, scotch, travel, and oh yeah scotch. Did we mention scotch?”
Such obituaries are possible these days because somebody pays for them. When I first started in the newspaper business in 1961, obituaries were published on the front page of my local newspaper for free and followed a standard format.
You can infer that format by reading obituaries. Start with the deceased’s name, age, residence, day, place, and cause of death, birth information, parents including the mother’s birth name, spouse, education, awards, employment, places lived, hobbies and interests, survivors, funeral or memorial service, and where to send memorial contributions.
Or you can be creative. In two obituaries I have written for friends, I didn’t mention immediately that they had died. In one case, I delayed that information until the fifth paragraph, choosing instead to begin with an anecdote about how this person, a sportswriter, had created an alter ego when his editor asked him to write something to fill space.
Consider telling people what you learned from life. If you include your nickname, explain how you got it. And avoid family dirt. Your obituary is a celebration of your life, not an exposé. Don’t delay. Write your obituary today.
R. Thomas Berner is a Penn State professor emeritus of journalism and American studies. He not only has written his own obituary, he has also submitted it to his local newspaper and the family undertaker. He updates it from time to time.
